Passed the test
by Misty-vanilla
Summary: A Weekly One Shot Challenge-week 21/2011. Everything written in dialog. It is a phone conversation between main characters of SVM. A/H, OC, AU. One shot. Rating M for language.


Weekly One-Shot Challenge -Week 21 in 2011: A story told only in dialog.

_A/N: It is a phone conversation. A/H._

_I hope you will enjoy it._

**PASSED THE TEST**

"Ravenscroft."

"What the fuck, Pam? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Excuse me? Who bite your ass, Eric?"

"Cha, cha, cha. It isn't funny. I had to dig my trashcan this morning. It is huge, Pam. And you hidden it from me!"

"Are you serious? Are you hit your head or something? About what are you talking? And a trashcan? What the fuck, Northman? I thought you knew the difference between trashcan and your fridge!"

"Fuck you. I am talking about my trashcan in my bathroom."

"Eww. I never thought I would say it, but I really don't want to here it, Eric. I might be your older sister, but even siblings don't share with those details."

"What?"

"I don't want to hear your stories about your trips to bathroom and I definitely don't want to know why you even put your hands in your trashcan. Call me later when you find your little brains and then we can talk about normal stuff. And stop eating or drinking whatever you eat or drink. It is not good for you. Bye."

"I know that you are pregnant!"

"Pam?"

"Pam?"

"Fuck, Pam, are you still here?"

"Yeah… I think I had a heart attack couple seconds ago."

"It is impossible. Your heart doesn't beat, you cold hearted bitch."

"I know! That's why I need a second to process what you said to me."

"So who is that bastard? You never told me that you left women and now fuck men."

"I am not pregnant, you asshole."

"You don't need to lie to me anymore. I know. I found a box of pregnancy test in my bathroom and then in a trashcan I found a positive pregnancy test. So who is that bastard, who knocked you up?"

"Shut up! I am not pregnant and it is really not your business with whom I am fucking right now. You can be sure I still into women."

"But I found a pregnancy test."

"And it is not MINE!"

"So who then? Oh fuck, it can't be…"

"Oh, that's rich. You called me first, don't you, and not your girlfriend? Cha, I am going to be an aunt and you are going to be a dad!"

"Fuck off, Pam."

"What's wrong, daddy? Are you scared? Karma is a bitch, Eric. And you will know better then to scare me like that ever again."

"What I am going to do, Pam?"

"Well, firstly you need to call Sookie and talk with her."

"But why she didn't tell me? It is our problem. We should solve it together."

"Maybe because you think that baby is a problem. How long you are together? Two years? And you don't live together, you didn't propose to her and I am sure that you don't talk about future together. So why she should tell you?"

"You have a point. I just thought we have time and everything else would come later."

"Yeah. Sorry brother, but you don't have any time left. Call her, daddy. I want to hear what you will say to her. It is so worth that I am skipping a meeting."

"Sookie and I need to talk alone."

"Call her!"

"No, Pam. I will deal with everything without you."

"Hello, it is Sookie Stackhouse. With who I am talking?"

"Sookie?"

"Eric? From where do you call me?"

"I didn't call you. I thought about doing it, but I never called you."

"So who called me? I don't know this number."

"I called you, from work, Sookie."

"Pam? Who else is on the line?"

"It is only three of us. Eric wants to tell you something."

"Pamela!"

"What? You need to talk with her. So go on, I am waiting."

"Eric, what is going on? Do you hurt or something? Maybe someone else is hurt? Please talk with me. You are scaring me right now."

"Sookie, would you marry me?"

"Excuse me? What did you say?"

"Oh my fucking God! It is rich! Cha, Cha, Cha. Fuck, I started to leak and I can't even to breath. It was so worth to skip that meeting."

"Shut up, Pam! Sookie, would you marry me?"

"What the hell happened, Eric? Are you dying or something?"

"No, I think it is a time. I know about your condition and I want to tell you that I will be with you. I am not going anywhere and I love you so much. So would you say yes, Sookie?"

"What condition?"

"You don't need to hide it anymore. I know everything. Firstly I was angry because you didn't tell me anything, but Pam explained me that maybe I wasn't deserve to know. But I am ready and I want to be with you and our baby."

"Baby?"

"Yes."

"About what baby you are talking?"

"About ours. I know that you are pregnant, Sookie."

"I am not pregnant, Eric."

"No, it is alright. I am ready, Sookie."

"I am not pregnant!"

"No, you don't have to hide it or denial it. I am very happy and I know that we will be a good parents. Maybe it is a sign that we need to be together together. I am sorry that I waited for so long…"

"Stop it right there, mister! I AM NOT PREGNANT! If I was, and I am hundred percent positive that I am not, I would never say yes to you while we are talking on the phone and your sister is hearing everything."

"So you are not pregnant?"

"No, I am not. What about Pam?"

"What about me?"

"Are you pregnant?"

"Hell no! That delusional asshole called me firstly because he thought that I am pregnant."

"Shut up! You can always end this conversation."

"So who is pregnant?"

"Lover, you are positive that you are not pregnant?"

"Yes, Eric, I told you I am positive that I am not pregnant. I would never hide that I am pregnant from you. And you never ever try to propose to me on the phone, because next time I will kill you, pregnant or not."

"I just thought it was a right thing to do. But I meant everything I said. I am ready to take second step. Of course if you are ready."

"Oh, Eric. Of course I am ready and I want those things with you too."

"Aww, I am going to throw up. It is so sweet that Disney should create movie about you two."

"Pam, don't you have a job or something? I heard circus came in town. Maybe go there and harass little children or something."

"Nope. It is more interesting in here and circus will be in this town for whole fucking week."

"Ok, we will discuss everything when we will be alone and not talking through the phone."

"That means that you will talk after you fuck each other to the coma or before?"

"Can you fuck yourself to the coma, Pamela?"

"With pleasure, brother. But I am more interested who left a pregnancy test in you home."

"Yeah, Eric, who left it?"

"I don't know. But it is at least three days old."

"You are sure?"

"Yeah. My housekeeper cleaned the entire house Friday morning and today is Monday. So it leaves Friday, Saturday and Sunday."

"And you find it in your bathroom?"

"Yes. Well no. It was in the first floor bathroom."

"Maybe you housekeeper left it?"

"No, Pam. She is like sixty years old and she has a mustaches. I know something about women and I am positive that she isn't pregnant."

"Oh, so you know something about women but still you managed to propose to your girlfriend through the phone?"

"Screw you, bitch. If you ever again say it…"

"What? You are going to tell mom? I would like to see it or hear it."

"Can we go back to the topic? Who the hell left a pregnancy test in my boyfriend's house?"

"Who was in your house Eric?"

"I don't know. You came by Saturday and Sookie was with me from Friday evening till this morning. Jason came Friday evening…."

"For God's sake!"

"What, Sookie? You don't think that Jason is pregnant, do you?"

"Of course, not! But he wasn't alone when he showed up. He was with Crystal."

"Holy shit! That just priceless. Jason Stackhouse will be a father!"

"Pam we don't know it. Sookie do you think he is serious with that girl?"

"Sookie? Are you still here?"

"Yeah, I am still here. I just was praying that it wouldn't be a true, because God knows that it would be a catastrophe. And you know my brother. He can't be serious about anything. What I am going to do? How I am going to tell him that he is going to be a father? And what if the baby will have Jason's brains?"

"It is going to be alright. Sookie. We will think about something. You are not alone."

"Yes, Sookie you are not alone. I also will help you."

"It is so sweet. I can't even express myself how thankful I am."

"It is Jason Stackhouse. What can I do for you?"

"Jason? What are you doing?"

"Sookie? Why are you calling me on my hot line?"

"Calling you? Hot line?"

"Yeah! You know that I have a special number for a special friends?"

"I called you, dumbass."

"Oh, hello Pam. How can I help you? I am free this evening if you want to have fun or something."

"Jason Stackhouse!"

"Fuck, Sookie! What are you still doing here?"

"It is connected phone call, Jason."

"Oh yeah? And what it connects?"

"Oh boy. It means, you idiot, that you are talking with me, with Sookie and Eric is here too."

"Cool! So what do you want Sook? Because Pam called me and I need to make plans for this evening."

"I don't want to see you this evening. I am not interested at all."

"So why did you called me in my special phone?"

"Because I don't have any other number of yours."

"So ok, if you are not interested then it is ok. I will be patient. One day, Pam…"

"Jason, we need to talk with you. And this is serious."

"It better would be quick talk because I don't want to hold this line for too long. You know, how women can be when they don't get what they want, right Eric?"

"Yeah, Jason. Listen there is a situation…"

"You are going to be a father, Jason."

"Pam, he is my brother, I should tell him that!"

"Pamela, it is not concern you. For the hundredth time, just fuck off."

"I am not your baby daddy. We only slept once and that was a long time ago."

"You slept with my brother?"

"You fucked Jason, Pam?"

"I was drunk and I don't remember anything. So, it doesn't count."

"Oh it counts in my books."

"Dumbass, you can't even spell a word book."

"Of course I can. Oh my pizza is here."

"Jason, concentrate a little bit. We think that Crystal is pregnant. I know it is a shock for you, brother, but if you need help or something just say it."

"No, Crystal isn't pregnant."

"She isn't?"

"Yeah. I am sure."

"Even if her PMS started you can't be sure that she is not pregnant."

"What the fuck is PMS?"

"Her period, you moron! God, do you know what a fork is?"

"Eww! Why I need to know about her… no I can't even tell that word. You all are shitting me."

"Jason, why are you sure that she is not pregnant."

"Eric, come on. You know why. We, men, always have to use a condom."

"And?"

"And I always use it."

"Jason, condoms are not guarantee a hundred percent safeness. There is always a possibility…"

"I won't talk about it with my little sister, Sookie."

"Jason, listen. She is right. Even with a condom you can't be sure that you didn't knock up woman, with who you had sex."

"It isn't funny anymore and my food is getting cold."

"Listen, you idiot! We are not joking. My brother is right, do you ever read instructions or something?"

"Fuck, it is true Eric?"

"Yeah, man. Sorry."

"Motherfucker! What I am going to do now? And how did you know guys about it? Did she called you, Sookie, and asked to convince me to marry her?"

"No. Eric found a positive pregnancy test in his bathroom."

"It is not Crystal's."

"We already told you that condom couldn't guarantee you that…"

"I heard that, Pam. And I still think you are shitting me, but I know that Crystal didn't use your bathroom. And Friday evening was the first time when she saw Eric's house from inside. So I am positive that it is not hers."

"Wow, did you just seriously said more then ten words at once?"

"Pamela, it is not important. How can you be positive that she didn't use a bathroom at my house?"

"Well, Eric, we were in your house for 30 minutes, not more. And all that time she was playing with my nipples while I was…"

"Ok, that is enough. Baby sister is still here. So we get it, Crystal isn't pregnant. Thank you God for a small favors."

"Yeah, but now I have to call all those other women who slept with me. You guys seriously weren't joking?"

"No, you dumbass. Thank God that I don't remember that night."

"No, Jason. But I don't think that you need to be worry about that. They probably had already called you if they were pregnant."

"No, better call them. Who knows, maybe some of them are hiding from my brother."

"Why they should hide from me? I am the best thing in their life!"

"Whatever Jason. So who the hell left that pregnancy test in your house."

"Sook, you aren't pregnant, are you? Because if that boyfriend of yours don't marry you I will kick his ass, you know that."

"Jason I am still here and Sookie isn't pregnant."

"I am not pregnant, Jase. But thank you."

"Sorry, Eric. But she is my baby sister after all."

"It is like an episode from "Little house in a prairie". Can we go back to the topic? Who is pregnant?"

"Eric, honey, who else was in your house?"

"Amelia had lunch with me and Sookie at Sunday."

"Yeah. And she was acting strange. Oh my God! Maybe she found out and wanted to say something to me but was too afraid."

"I don't think that this test is Amelia's."

"Why, Pam, you know something?"

"No, but she isn't dating or something."

"Well, I am not dating either, but for some reason you all thought that Crystal is pregnant."

"Shut up, Jason! This time I will call Amelia and I just ask her. You got that Pam?"

"Yeah, whatever. It is becoming too boring for me. I probably will go in my meeting."

"Oh no, you aren't going anywhere. You started it, you must to finish it, sister."

"Fuck you, Eric. Not I dig in a trashcan."

"Who was digging in a trashcan?"

"It is not important Jason. You can hang up now."

"No, I can't. I said I would call all those women, who had sex with me. And I will start with Amelia."

"My best friend and my brother?"

"Seriously Amelia?"

"Why not? I was lonely she was lonely. I am good looking she is pretty. I don't see what is wrong."

"And when it happened, you jackass?"

"I don't know. Probably a year ago."

"So she can't be pregnant with your baby, Jason."

"You are sure Sookie?"

"Hi, Sookie. What's up?"

"Now I can't hang up, because she knows that I am on the phone."

"Jason? Why are you calling me from Sookie's phone?"

"No. I am calling you Amelia. And the answer to you question, Jason, yes I am sure."

"Oh, that is nice then. I am going to eat my pizza."

"What is going in here, Sookie?"

"Well I just ask you. We are best friends and I always will be on your side, you know that?"

"I guess so."

"Are you pregnant, Amelia?"

"No, I am not. Are you pregnant, Sookie?"

"No! Why are you asking me that?"

"Well, I saw a pregnancy test box in Eric's bathroom and I just thought that you… did you know about the test?"

"Yes. That is why I am calling you. I thought it was yours."

"So if you aren't pregnant, then who is pregnant?"

"I don't know."

"You don't think that Eric cheated on you or something?"

"I love Sookie and I never do it to her."

"Oh, hi Eric. I didn't know that you are also here. So who else could left it in your bathroom."

"It wasn't me!"

"We know it Jason. And don't talk with a full mouth. Gran thought you better."

"I am sorry Sook."

"You don't think it is Pam's, do you?"

"It is not mine, Amelia."

"Oh, and you are also here? Did you tell them?"

"No, I didn't. I wanted but Eric scared me when he accused me of hiding my pregnancy."

"I didn't accuse you. I was worried, that is all. And what did you want to tell me?"

"It is nothing. We have to solve this mystery firstly."

"Pam and I are dating."

"Hell yes! Girls you are available this weekend?"

"No, you moron! It will never happen again. And you still have to call bunch of women."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Eric, Sookie, are you still here."

"I am here. Sookie?"

"I am also still here."

"Can you say something?"

"Well, I am not happy that my sister hides things from me, but if you are happy then I am happy."

"I also don't like when my best friend hides things from me, but what the hell. I am so happy for you two!"

"Excuse me, miss Ravenscroft, your mother is waiting you on the fifth line."

"Thank you. I will answer it. I need to answer it. You know how suspicious she can be."

"That is good that I never slept with your mother. At least I am safe with her."

"Jason Stackhouse, you are talking about my boyfriend's mother, for God's sake!"

"Dude, I will kick your ass. You are talking about my mother."

"And I will cut your balls, you dumbass."

"Jason, you probably should start running."

"Ok, ok. I am just confused. Not every day someone tells you that you probably will be a father and then they change your mind."

"Who is pregnant?"

"Nobody. Eric found a pregnancy test in his bathroom and it was positive. You don't have to worry about it, mom."

"Oh."

"And Sookie isn't pregnant."

"Yes, Anna, I am not pregnant."

"And I am not pregnant too. Thank God. So you are not going to be a grandmother."

"I am not pregnant too."

"Jason!"

"I know. Don't talk with a full mouth. Gezz Sookie, I am not a child or something."

"So I probably should say that I am not pregnant too. And we told everybody that Pam and I are dating."

"You knew, mom, about it?"

"Yes, Pam told me. And kids, I am sorry about this commotion."

"It is not your fault, mom. That idiot, my brother has a new hobby to dig in his trashcans."

"Shut up, Pam. Or go and sleep with Jason once again."

"Thanks man for your help. So, Pam, maybe you listen to your brother, a?"

"Kids, the test is mine. I am pregnant."

"Kids?"

"Where everybody went?"

"I am so happy for you, Anna, but I have to go now. Pam and I have plans for this evening so I need to do couple of things. Goodbye."

"Bye, Amelia."

"I should probably go too. I think I will meet with Eric this evening. And I am so happy for you. Please call me if you need something."

"Thank you, Sookie, for everything."

"Mom, I will call you tomorrow. Like Sookie said, I will go to meet her. So, yeah, we will talk later, or tomorrow, or I don't know."

"It is ok. I know you need time to process everything."

"Yeah, time and maybe couple bottles of beer or something stronger."

"Eric, it is not right to drink too much…."

"Bye mom."

"And I am going in the meeting. We also will talk later. I just can't believe that there will be another one like Eric. I just can't. Another one trashcan digger."

"Pam, you can't talk like that."

"Pam, can you hear me?"

"Pamela!"

"I think she put the phone on the table. Because I can hear her somewhere in the background and Mrs. Northman I don't think that you want to hear what she is saying."

"Oh, Jason you are still here?"

"Yes. And I finished my pizza, even thought she was cold."

"That is good for you."

"So, Mrs. Northman, Anna, do you want to meet with me this evening. I don't have any plans for today."

"Jason, I am married and I have a husband."

"That's ok with me. I am not jealous or something and I just heard today from your son that condom could be a tricky little thing. I don't say that I am little or something, but…"

"Goodbye, Jason."

* * *

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Everything belongs to C.H.**

Thanks for reading!


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